All the Things I’d Let You Take Back From Me

Posted: January 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

Most times, looking for clarity and perspective in the world is a trial and error experience.  That’s roughly what the last few weeks been about.  Trying to unburden the sense of weight that comes from so many days of active (and inactive) isolation and staying on relentlessly kind terms with myself if and whenever possible.

Third chemo took place on Friday.  This is my 4th day out of it.  My taste buds are aluminoxic (new word), rejecting combinations of sweet and savory, which is usually the first chapter of my taste manifesto.  But I’ve taken to drinking vitamix fruit shakes instead hoping this bulk from the decadron (anti-inflammatory steroid) drops and I conveniently end up losing 10 pounds the process.  This is not a diet plan, but hey, if you can help it!

Finding it difficult to write this blog in real time, maybe because I’ve reached a different stage in my treatment that I can only describe as a”post-aspiration”/”pre-stagnation” phase.  This does not mean that aspirations wash away together, but they certainly do take on a different complexion.  Instead of shooting out imperfect constellations, I have gone back to the sabotage of revisiting things “where there used to be memory” — if only to keep myself entertained before starting the Season 4 Box set of Breaking Bad.

Let’s abolish documentation as a rhetoric of timeline.  Documenting yearning is lyrical.  What obstructs us from observing time in this way?

I don’t want to hear who else jumped in front of the train today.  I want you to make plans for Spring to meet me at The St. Marks Chapel.  I want you to phone me when it’s not serious.  And to stop apologizing about how ‘not serious’ your flu is in comparison to this nameless calamity.  I want to know if she actually went to Holland after all.  And actually, I want you to tell me a joke.  Maybe even a juggernaut lie… and take it back, suddenly.

Because oh, of all the things I’d let you take back from me…

I will remain closer in touch.  Sorry for the two week absence.

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